overnight, sleep, and sober

I was with her for two nights. Nag-overnight kasi ang group namin for some work. At sumama siya for no special reason.

Masaya yung dalawang gabi na yun. Kasama namin ang iba pang kaibigan. Halos nagtawanan at nag-music trip lang kami most of the time. Nagkaroon din naman ng progress ang ginagawa namin pero karamihan sa oras e naubos sa mga walang-kwenta pero nakakatuwang gawain.

I cannot write every little detail that happened, kasi ang daming panahon na sobrang saya ko lang na nandun siya malapit sakin. And it happened a lot, madaming beses na palagi kaming magkasama. But I can remember two particular moments, na siguro hindi ko makakalimutan for a long time.

Una, e yung first night. She slept near me. Bago kami matulog, nandun siya sa may ibaba ng kama kung saan ako nakahiga. We shared earphones, nakinig kami ng music bago matulog. Ganun kami for a while. Tapos, hinayaan ko siyang antukin, and, eventually, fall asleep. She didn't know about this part, pero ang tagal kong gising pagkatapos niyang makatulog. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. And then I realized how much I love her, realized much more than all those realizations and admittance that I had before. I could stare at her all night, all day, and never get tired of it. Naramdaman ko na hindi ko talaga niloloko ang sarili ko, mahal ko talaga siya. At gagawin ko lahat para lang lagi siyang maging peaceful katulad ng itsura niya noong natutulog siya. Drowning in my thoughts, I too fell asleep afterwards.

Ang pangalawa e nung second night. She wasn't with us for most of the evening: she went out to a friend's party, where they had free-flowing drinks for the rest of the occasion. Mga 2pm, nagpasundo siya sakin. Edi ako naman si sundo. Masakit ang ulo niya at medyo hilo na siya.

Pagdating sa bahay, umakyat ako sa second floor. Nag-sober up muna siya ng kaunti sa baba. Tapos umakyat din siya. At umupo sa tabi ko.

Pwede kong sabihin na mostly it was because of the alcohol. Siguro nga. Pero kung ikaw yung nandun sa position ko nung mga panahong yun, hindi mo din siya maiisip. I can't remember any instance where we were that intimate to each other. Wala namang special na nangyari, pero magkatabi kami noon, and I was touching her head tenderly. Arranging and playing with her hair. Feeling her face. And she had this look that told me that it's all right. Na hindi ako isang stranger para sa kanya. Na okay lang para sa kanya na maging malapit ako. We talked about trivial and apparent things, hindi ko na maalala kung anong mga napag-usapan namin, because at that moment nothing else mattered except that she was with me and we were comfortable with the nearness.

Sana hindi yun effect lang ng alcohol. Well, I guess I'll never really know.


***

PS. The day before those nights, we talked at school. Isang oras, dun ulit sa boring na subject, magkatabi kami. We talked about each other. Kung gaano ko siya kakilala, at ang mga alam niya tungkol sa akin. I was surprised on how much she remembered. Hindi pala siya madaling makalimot sa mga sinasabi ko sa kanya. Magical hour. Ang saya lang talaga noon. Maybe I'd keep replaying that moment in my head at times na wala na talaga akong maisip na masayang memory.

her dream

I am posting today just because I don't want to forget what she said to me.

Sinamahan ko siya kanina papuntang bangko. Tapos tinanong ko siya: May naalala kasi akong sinabi niya last week, meron daw siyang hindi nakwento sakin, kaya tinanong ko kung ano yun.

She dreamt of me. We were in a room with our friends, and then I hugged her.

I'm not sure what I looked like when she said that. But I'm pretty certain I looked like the happiest man on earth. Sana hindi niya napansin na sobrang natuwa ako sa sinabi niyang yun. At sa pagkakasabi niya, mukhang hindi naman siya na-bother sa panaginip na yun. :)

retreat, post-retreat and today

Hindi pala ako nagsulat dito for some time. Pero siguro kasi nararamdaman ko lang ang urge magsulat dito kapag merong mga bagay na parang.. kulang, o mali, ganun.

Retreat: It didn't go so well, save for one moment where I hugged her. That's the happiest memory I have of the place. Hindi ko din nasabi sa kanya lahat-lahat. Siguro kasi masyado pang maaga. I don't want her to think I'm preying on her just because she's hurting, or because now she's at her most vulnerable, after a break-up. Ayokong isipin niyang tine-take advantage ko ang moments of weakness niya, ngayong nasasaktan pa siya at kailangan niya ng makakapitan. I want her to feel things by her own accord and not from feelings of loneliness or incompleteness. Kahit matagalan siya magheal, okay lang maghintay. Basta maging buo ulit siya. At hindi ako nag-e-expect ng return of feelings. Kung ano man ang kalabasan nito, okay lang sakin. Kung saan siya magiging masaya, yun ang dapat mangyari. Even if I'd not be a part of that completeness.

Anyway, I was, to tell the truth, depressed most of the time, nung retreat. Parang may mali kasi. Ewan. Madalas nararamdaman ko nanaman yung "pushing-away" feeling na nabanggit ko nun pang nauna. Minsan naman may times na parang gusto niyang malapit ako. Ang labo, diba? Walang consistency, but maybe that's how things really are. Wala ako sa posisyon na mag-expect at hindi naman talaga dapat. Kaya, the problem's not with her, but with me, hindi ko siya sinisisi. Masyado lang siguro talaga akong selfish.

Ayun nangyari most of the time. Parang may distance talaga na hindi ko maiwasan. I went home feeling confused, of some sort.

Kinabukasan, minessage niya ako. Nagpasalamat siya sa letter ko (na sobrang open-heart on my part). Small things, makes me happy, pero parang superficial lang lahat kung titignan ko ng mabuti. Nalaman ko na hindi pala siya totally okay, at related sa ex(?) niya ang reason kung bakit. Sabi niya ikukwento niya sakin yun, at hanggang ngayon, hinihintay ko parin kung kailan dadating ang kwento na yun.

Post-retreat: Parang bumalik kami sa dati. I got the feeling that she wanted me close again. Parang nawala yung 'distance'. For the past few days, hanggang kahapon, we were enjoying each other's company, fully, once again, just like the old(er) days. Kagabi, nakausap ko ulit siya through phone. It was an enjoyable and poignant talk. Surface of things lang ulit pinag-usapan namin, but I got the feeling that she was comfortable with it. Masaya yung past few days, sa totoo lang. Kaya hindi ko naramdaman magsulat ulit dito. The reason is that, I didn't feel there were things left unsaid, at least for those days.

Today: Hindi ko alam kung bakit at hindi ko alam kung saang part ng araw na 'to nagsimula. Pero, kagabi lang, sobrang okay ang lahat, ang saya namin, ganun. Ngayon, parang bigla nalang bumalik yung 'distance'. Parang may mali ulit, ang gulo ano? Hindi ko naman sigurado kung busy lang talaga siya o ayaw niya lang talagang kausapin ako. Well, what do I do. Eto, wala naman akong magagawa kundi hayaan siyang gawin ang gusto niya. If she wants to talk, I guess she'll give signs that she wants to. Okay, I'm back to waiting. It's not a bad thing, at sa totoo lang ito ang dapat ko talagang gawin. Kaya okay lang.

Pero sana lang, there'd be wonderful reasons for this wait. Hindi talaga ako nag-e-expect na mareciprocate yung feelings, ganun, pero sana kahit maging closer lang kami. And I wish she'd be more honest with me. Kung ayaw niya naman talaga, makipag-usap o maging mas malapit kami, she can tell it straight. I think it would be better, at least alam ko.

Argh, pati ako naguguluhan na din sa mga sinabi ko. Okay, hintay-mode ulit.