Hindi pala ako nagsulat dito for some time. Pero siguro kasi nararamdaman ko lang ang urge magsulat dito kapag merong mga bagay na parang.. kulang, o mali, ganun.
Retreat: It didn't go so well, save for one moment where I hugged her. That's the happiest memory I have of the place. Hindi ko din nasabi sa kanya lahat-lahat. Siguro kasi masyado pang maaga. I don't want her to think I'm preying on her just because she's hurting, or because now she's at her most vulnerable, after a break-up. Ayokong isipin niyang tine-take advantage ko ang moments of weakness niya, ngayong nasasaktan pa siya at kailangan niya ng makakapitan. I want her to feel things by her own accord and not from feelings of loneliness or incompleteness. Kahit matagalan siya magheal, okay lang maghintay. Basta maging buo ulit siya. At hindi ako nag-e-expect ng return of feelings. Kung ano man ang kalabasan nito, okay lang sakin. Kung saan siya magiging masaya, yun ang dapat mangyari. Even if I'd not be a part of that completeness.
Anyway, I was, to tell the truth, depressed most of the time, nung retreat. Parang may mali kasi. Ewan. Madalas nararamdaman ko nanaman yung "pushing-away" feeling na nabanggit ko nun pang nauna. Minsan naman may times na parang gusto niyang malapit ako. Ang labo, diba? Walang consistency, but maybe that's how things really are. Wala ako sa posisyon na mag-expect at hindi naman talaga dapat. Kaya, the problem's not with her, but with me, hindi ko siya sinisisi. Masyado lang siguro talaga akong selfish.
Ayun nangyari most of the time. Parang may distance talaga na hindi ko maiwasan. I went home feeling confused, of some sort.
Kinabukasan, minessage niya ako. Nagpasalamat siya sa letter ko (na sobrang open-heart on my part). Small things, makes me happy, pero parang superficial lang lahat kung titignan ko ng mabuti. Nalaman ko na hindi pala siya totally okay, at related sa ex(?) niya ang reason kung bakit. Sabi niya ikukwento niya sakin yun, at hanggang ngayon, hinihintay ko parin kung kailan dadating ang kwento na yun.
Post-retreat: Parang bumalik kami sa dati. I got the feeling that she wanted me close again. Parang nawala yung 'distance'. For the past few days, hanggang kahapon, we were enjoying each other's company, fully, once again, just like the old(er) days. Kagabi, nakausap ko ulit siya through phone. It was an enjoyable and poignant talk. Surface of things lang ulit pinag-usapan namin, but I got the feeling that she was comfortable with it. Masaya yung past few days, sa totoo lang. Kaya hindi ko naramdaman magsulat ulit dito. The reason is that, I didn't feel there were things left unsaid, at least for those days.
Today: Hindi ko alam kung bakit at hindi ko alam kung saang part ng araw na 'to nagsimula. Pero, kagabi lang, sobrang okay ang lahat, ang saya namin, ganun. Ngayon, parang bigla nalang bumalik yung 'distance'. Parang may mali ulit, ang gulo ano? Hindi ko naman sigurado kung busy lang talaga siya o ayaw niya lang talagang kausapin ako. Well, what do I do. Eto, wala naman akong magagawa kundi hayaan siyang gawin ang gusto niya. If she wants to talk, I guess she'll give signs that she wants to. Okay, I'm back to waiting. It's not a bad thing, at sa totoo lang ito ang dapat ko talagang gawin. Kaya okay lang.
Pero sana lang, there'd be wonderful reasons for this wait. Hindi talaga ako nag-e-expect na mareciprocate yung feelings, ganun, pero sana kahit maging closer lang kami. And I wish she'd be more honest with me. Kung ayaw niya naman talaga, makipag-usap o maging mas malapit kami, she can tell it straight. I think it would be better, at least alam ko.
Argh, pati ako naguguluhan na din sa mga sinabi ko. Okay, hintay-mode ulit.
Retreat: It didn't go so well, save for one moment where I hugged her. That's the happiest memory I have of the place. Hindi ko din nasabi sa kanya lahat-lahat. Siguro kasi masyado pang maaga. I don't want her to think I'm preying on her just because she's hurting, or because now she's at her most vulnerable, after a break-up. Ayokong isipin niyang tine-take advantage ko ang moments of weakness niya, ngayong nasasaktan pa siya at kailangan niya ng makakapitan. I want her to feel things by her own accord and not from feelings of loneliness or incompleteness. Kahit matagalan siya magheal, okay lang maghintay. Basta maging buo ulit siya. At hindi ako nag-e-expect ng return of feelings. Kung ano man ang kalabasan nito, okay lang sakin. Kung saan siya magiging masaya, yun ang dapat mangyari. Even if I'd not be a part of that completeness.
Anyway, I was, to tell the truth, depressed most of the time, nung retreat. Parang may mali kasi. Ewan. Madalas nararamdaman ko nanaman yung "pushing-away" feeling na nabanggit ko nun pang nauna. Minsan naman may times na parang gusto niyang malapit ako. Ang labo, diba? Walang consistency, but maybe that's how things really are. Wala ako sa posisyon na mag-expect at hindi naman talaga dapat. Kaya, the problem's not with her, but with me, hindi ko siya sinisisi. Masyado lang siguro talaga akong selfish.
Ayun nangyari most of the time. Parang may distance talaga na hindi ko maiwasan. I went home feeling confused, of some sort.
Kinabukasan, minessage niya ako. Nagpasalamat siya sa letter ko (na sobrang open-heart on my part). Small things, makes me happy, pero parang superficial lang lahat kung titignan ko ng mabuti. Nalaman ko na hindi pala siya totally okay, at related sa ex(?) niya ang reason kung bakit. Sabi niya ikukwento niya sakin yun, at hanggang ngayon, hinihintay ko parin kung kailan dadating ang kwento na yun.
Post-retreat: Parang bumalik kami sa dati. I got the feeling that she wanted me close again. Parang nawala yung 'distance'. For the past few days, hanggang kahapon, we were enjoying each other's company, fully, once again, just like the old(er) days. Kagabi, nakausap ko ulit siya through phone. It was an enjoyable and poignant talk. Surface of things lang ulit pinag-usapan namin, but I got the feeling that she was comfortable with it. Masaya yung past few days, sa totoo lang. Kaya hindi ko naramdaman magsulat ulit dito. The reason is that, I didn't feel there were things left unsaid, at least for those days.
Today: Hindi ko alam kung bakit at hindi ko alam kung saang part ng araw na 'to nagsimula. Pero, kagabi lang, sobrang okay ang lahat, ang saya namin, ganun. Ngayon, parang bigla nalang bumalik yung 'distance'. Parang may mali ulit, ang gulo ano? Hindi ko naman sigurado kung busy lang talaga siya o ayaw niya lang talagang kausapin ako. Well, what do I do. Eto, wala naman akong magagawa kundi hayaan siyang gawin ang gusto niya. If she wants to talk, I guess she'll give signs that she wants to. Okay, I'm back to waiting. It's not a bad thing, at sa totoo lang ito ang dapat ko talagang gawin. Kaya okay lang.
Pero sana lang, there'd be wonderful reasons for this wait. Hindi talaga ako nag-e-expect na mareciprocate yung feelings, ganun, pero sana kahit maging closer lang kami. And I wish she'd be more honest with me. Kung ayaw niya naman talaga, makipag-usap o maging mas malapit kami, she can tell it straight. I think it would be better, at least alam ko.
Argh, pati ako naguguluhan na din sa mga sinabi ko. Okay, hintay-mode ulit.
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