one

Mas okay ang mga nangyari ngayong araw na 'to.

Nakatulog yata siya kagabi at hindi na siya nag-text back kinaumagahan. But it's alright, that's how she is sometimes. May lab ngayon kaya makakausap ko nanaman siya ng mas maayos. Lab time, hindi na ako nagsayang ng oras at lumapit ako agad sa kanya, I hope I don't look too pushy kasi ayoko naman ng ganun. I just wanted to talk to her, that's all. Maybe it's selfishness..

Ayun. Nagtawanan kami kasama ang madami pang kaibigan. I did not have a lot of time talking to her alone, but the laughs were worth it. Masaya naman kami nung mga panahong yun. I luxuriated in her nearness. Malapit nanaman siya, and for me, that's plenty enough.

I went out once at one of our classes, I think that's TL. I patted her head before going out. Nag-linger pa ako ng kaunti. The ways I show affection.. Minsan nawi-weirduhan na din ako sa sarili ko. But I need to let her feel that, ewan ko, nag-o-overflow kasi.

Ngayon din pala pinagdesisyunan kung saan ka sasama sa fieldtrip ng batch. I wanted to go to Singapore, but truthfully, kahit saan basta kasama siya okay sa akin. I think of her too much, I guess. Healthy pa ba ito? Hahaha.

Before going home, we caught each other's eyes once again. I'd like to think that there's that one glance that's just for the two of us - nangyari nanaman siya kanina. We said goodbye to each other without words, parang nangyayari na dati. It was a short while, but it made me happy. So happy. And contented.

Pero nagmessage siya sa akin pagkatapos naming maghiwalay. Naaasar daw siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Sa tingin ko naman hindi dahil sakin, pero gusto ko parin malaman kung anong dahilan. I want to carry her burden. Gusto kong saluhin siya, gusto kong nandun ako at may magawa ako sa kanya kapag kailangan niya na talaga.

I'll message her later to say goodnight. Hindi ko naman siya pipilitin kung ayaw niyang i-open yun ngayon. There will be time tomorrow. And I'll make sure I'll let her feel she's not alone.



PS. Napag-isip-isip ko na magsusulat ako dito hanggang sa pwede ko nang sabihin sa kanya lahat ng naiisip ko. I want to believe that time will come. At pag nangyari yun, wala talaga akong itatago sa kanya at hindi ko siya lolokohin. Kahit kailan.

thoughts and 18 seconds of peace

Today was just like any other day before. Classes, awkward nanaman. Ewan ko ba, I feel like we have something special between us but there's also something.. missing, o kaya pwede mong sabihing we have our reservations. I think the reservation's mostly on her side - hindi ko naman tinatago sa kanya na may nararamdaman ako para sa kanya, albeit not saying it directly (just yet). Hindi ko alam kung ayaw niya lang ba talaga akong kausapin sa harap ng madaming tao dahil iniisip niya ang sasabihin nila, o ewan. Alam ko hindi siya ganun, but I can't shake off the perception.

I'm initiating, pero madalas pakiramdam ko na-o-obligate lang siyang kausapin ako. Na parang hindi siya interesado, na parang nagmumukhang ipinupush ko kahit ayaw niya. Siguro ako lang nag-iisip nito, ewan, di ko alam.

Sobrang close namin. Pero parang hanggang messages lang. Text messages. Ayoko ng ganun. Mas okay kung personal. But I don't know if she wants that. I'm not sure and I can't tell.

I feel the need to tell her how I really feel as soon as possible. Sa trip to Calaruega next week. Ayoko din naman kasi na ang ganun ka-special na revelation ay mangyari out of nowhere sa school na naka-uniform kami. O kaya sa text. O kaya sa isang lugar na hindi memorable. Minsan lang ako magsasabi sa kanya for the first time (actually, isang beses lang mangyayari ang first time) na mahal ko siya, why settle for a mediocre setting? Pero baka sa pagiging ganito ko, mainip siya/hindi na niya i-take seriously. For the nth time, ewan ko ba.

Ayun. Nagpaiwan sila dahil may battle of the bands sa university. I went somewhere with my other classmates, friends, for academic reasons. Hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanya, for the said reasons above, hindi ko alam kung ipupush ko nanaman ba kahit ayaw niya o hindi. After the trip, I went back to the university to perhaps attend the battle and catch a glimpse of her. What the heck did I just do - I took a roundtrip, spent gasoline and time, just to see her. Pero dahil hindi ko nga sure, umalis din ako agad pagkadating ko dun at hindi ko na siya hinanap.

Ngayon eto. Pagkauwi ko, nakita kong nagmessage siya sakin sa twitter, hours ago, asking me to take care on my then-trip. It took some load off me, pero balik nanaman kami sa message-correspondence. Messages, messages. Sana personal naman..

I'm planning to call her later, and tell her I'm calling just to hear her voice. I'm sure she'll be weirded out, pero kailangan ko lang talaga siyang marinig.

12:29 past midnight.

I think all is well, at least that's what I see. Tinawagan ko siya and she seemed happy and okay about it. Call log: 18 seconds. Maikling panahon lang pero personal parin. Her voice sounds so tender to my ears. Funny how she can change me in an instant.

Okay na 'to. Ito gusto kong maalala pag binasa ko 'to ulit. Babay. :)

zero

These proses are written solely for you, about you. Alam ko kasi na hindi lahat ng bagay masasabi ko sa'yo. At sa ibang kakilala ko.

Her name starts with an L and ends with a Z. I have fallen for her a long time ago, I can't even remember when. And these are my thoughts of her; the things I can't open up to anybody else.